It’s really hard feeling a sense of rejection from those around you. Growing up, my dad left, my best friend moved away, I was bullied into tears, suicidal thoughts, and an eating disorder; and many I came in contact with throughout high school simply knew me as a bitch. I threw up walls, trying to reject them before they had a chance to truly hurt me. I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship because it’s all I thought I deserved or would get in life. I was taught that everyone leaves at some point.
After months of therapy, I was able to get a grasp on myself and on those around me. To give people a chance and to have faith that they weren’t going anywhere. Two people in particular, my best friend and boyfriend, were never leaving me. I was adequate and I deserved to keep them.
But it’s so hard to keep those beliefs. To stay strong in believing that you deserve only the very best when the world around you is hating so hard. How do you keep putting yourself out there over and over and over again only to realize that they aren’t as committed as you are. That maybe you pushed your desires on them too hard and fast.
Trusting people has always been a struggle for me. Letting people into my heart and my life is nearly impossible. What’s even harder is trusting someone with your soul and realizing that maybe they don’t want it. Maybe you were right to wonder how long they were sticking around.
And then you just feel stupid. Or maybe the fight is worth it.
But how do you know for sure?